Apparently TWITTER RUINS LIVES. There's been a fine array of meltdowns on the tweet machine, and my sense of schaudenfraude was super duper happy this morning when I saw one from Lee Ryan of the execrable band Blue. Blue, a band guilty for a terrible Eurovision entry (although it wasn't sub-Humperdink), a song called One Love which I abhorred and one called All Rise, which only succeeded in raising my ire. Then they broke up and they did solo songs. While, and whisper it quietly, I didn't actually mind Simon Webbe's Lay Your Hands as it was perfectly acceptable Radio 2 fodder, but not so for Lee Ryan's Army of Lovers. It is one of the worst songs committed to vinyl, or minidisc, or digital things put on a hard drive.
There's an Army of Lovers dying to meet you,
Dying to make your acquaintance.
Top lyrics there. Apparently a militia of passionate types are hoping to meet some girl, possibly to get off with her, BUT NO! Only Lee Ryan's for her. Lee Ryan and his weird face and flat voice he showed off at Eurovision the other year. There's other lyrics too:-
Accidents happen, strangest of places
How come they happen at all
How come they happen at all
Look for the turning for something or nothing
Yes, Lee. Accidents do happen. You singing is the biggest one of all. Still, lyrics like "How come they happen at all?" show Ryan to be a philosopher. A songsmith. Voice of a generation. Indeed, why do accidents happen? I'd say a lack of planning. Family planning.
"Look for the turning for something or nothing"? If anyone can actually get any sense out of that I'll give them a prize up to the value of a £3 Amazon voucher. He's basically just saying words and cliches and putting kind of a tune to them while sounding like a colostomy bag warbling over it. Anyone can write a song like that, and probably sing it better too. See:-
There's a Militia of Passion outside your garden,
Self polluting in the bushes.
Getting stung by some Nettles.
Dogs eat Cesar, remotes work for tellies,
Why does this happen at all?
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.
If you haven't heard it before, and really really need to, here's the super pop opus in full.
It sounds like an Eagles song at the start, doesn't it? Then gets far worse. And The Eagles aren't great themselves.
Anyway, Lee Ryan was in love with a girl called Samantha who put revealing pictures on his MySpace (good start), and apparently he assaulted her at some juncture. Charges were dropped. They split up after such charming events as the time that:
"The pair reunited, but then suffered a tumultuous engagement punctuated by public arguments - one of which saw Lee throwing money at Samantha outside a Mayfair hotel."
Lee Ryan, everybody! He also compared 9/11 to the plight of Whales, and he also told the lady in question at one juncture that she could "Fucking starve". But anyway, this walking advert for the pro-choice movement had something to say on his twitter today!
No, it's not that. Although that was the tweet before his hysterical breakdown, and shows his... well... I dunno I just thought it'd be funny. Is it that he can't spell and that he thinks Charlie Chaplin died as a big chair or toilet? Or that he died when he was thrown at something. Perhaps thrown into a relationship with Lee Ryan where Lee Ryan definitely didn't assault him? Lee Ryan - Renaissance Man.
Anyway, onto the superduper breakdown!
What are your favourite bit? Mine is...
"Stop using who I am." - What's that? A stupidly untalented arsehole with a face like a shrew who makes shite rambling songs about Charlie Chaplin which claims he died as a bit of regal furniture or someone who was projected into not breathing anymore? You're Lee Ryan. No-one cares who you are. You're not a star or anything these days, you should probably be thankful that your definitely not a woman beater arse is getting the oxygen of publicity for more than 30 seconds more than 7 years after the last time anyone gave a shite about you. You should be in fucking boyband hell with 911, A1 and 5ive wanking for a chance at getting on Channel Five's "2003 was shit" narrated by Robert Webb.
"I honestly couldn't care less" - So I'll tweet about another 1971297 times about it, BECAUSE I DON'T CARE. I'M LEE "NO CARE" RYAN. I'M LIKE CHAPLIN, I'LL DIE A THROWN. He doesn't care so much, he gives out the mobile number of the journo! That's how much Lee Not a Woman Beater Ryan cares.
"Some people have killed themselves over twitter" - Some people have killed themselves over football results. I'm not advocating banning football, nor twitter. Only banning you.
"I think this sight is actually wrong" - How apt, being next to a picture of your half hatched bird face.
So, anyway. I'm really looking forward to this story coming out. And also this is why I love twitter so much. The place where jumped up irrelevant little shits like Lee Ryan get to implode for all our entertainment And frankly, after listening to his pop career, he finally owes us some entertainment.
Oh fair play this has well made me chuckle. Thanks maybury your a star x
ReplyDeleteYou are not as funny as you think you are, sorry to tell you.
ReplyDelete:(
DeleteBut you are a twat, so fuck you.
DeleteBrilliant as ever Gareth.
Ignore Dexter, got plenty of chuckles from me. Keep up the good work lad
ReplyDeleteGood stuff Gareth.
ReplyDeleteNice wording.
ReplyDeleteThis smacks of someone being told 'Hey, I think you're quite funny, you should write a blog' by a moron and now who thinks they're funny enough to be the next Charlie Brooker or Perez Hilton depending on whoever you're aiming this tripe at.
ReplyDeleteSTOP. BLOGGING. NOW.
It's for the best, you're hilariously shit attempts at forming snipey opinions are absolutely terrible and no-one is going to share this with anyone on the basis that they don't want to be the person who showed 'that shit blog' to their social circle.
Lots of love
Lee
I agree with Lee.
ReplyDelete