Now, I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else. In fact, I'm one of the worst examples of people. I'm abrasive, I swear and smoke too much, I don't like people who act like me because I'm a massive hypocrite, I sometimes dodge buying back rounds. So, the question is, why are we all such a shower of bastards?
BIRTH
The very nature of childbirth is one of hostility. Your mother will scream, shit and piss her way to firing you out of her yoghurt pocket in extreme pain. You were probably a mistake, anyway. My mother's still not forgiven me for weighing 10lbs and taking 18 hours. That was 27 years ago and she's still not got over it. I don't blame her. My first act as a person on this world is to cause her harm and rip her up, and then a doctor smacks my arse and cuts some bloody cord off me. I'm not happy either. So already, we've realised that life's shite. It's started shite, but it's all up from here isn't it?
YOUNG CHILDHOOD
No. Show me two children that actually like each other. All children are cretinous backstabbers who play with dog eggs and have running noses. Look at our childhoods, everyone around in them is now a paedophile as I alluded to in my last entry. Although when we were younger apparently being a paedophile wasn't a bad thing, so you had men like Clive Beast who lived by me for years. It's also at this young age that we learn that we're shit at everything. Start playing football and you reckon you're ok, until older boys come and beat the shit out of you, win 10-0, nick your ball and make you cry. And there's bullies. There's the maniac (Ian Collyer) up the road who smashes squirrels by their tails into walls for fun. He masturbates in front of everyone on the park despite being far older. Luckily he's probably dead by now.
And then there's schooling. If you are thick, then you are the weak. If you are intelligent, then you are the weak. And every year you learn that what you learned last year was wrong, so unlearn it and learn it again in this new way which is the right way until next year when it's time to forget all about it again in order to learn all about it again. You realise that popularity is correlated to ability at football (not unlike your adult years) and ability at football is also apparently an indicator of how tough you are. You're the new kid in a new school joining people who've been there a while? You may as well not bother. You will be bullied to within an inch of your life.
TEENAGE YEARS
Well, now you've got pubes. Maybe things are looking up? No. You smell, you're clumsy, you've got bad skin, you get involuntary erections on the bus or you start your cycle, you've got an awkward haircut, your voice is weird, you hate everyone and everyone hates you. People we're close to are now going to start to die in earnest, leading to fear of death. This is one of the more exciting parts of our lives. It's also at this juncture we fall in love with idealism. More on that later.
It's that this point we're starting to think of our futures. Whether it be university or work, our future is in our hands. Or not. Instead your future is mapped out. And it's a shit map. The AtoZ City Atlas of Wank. Population: You. Basically your dreams will be crushed day by day until you're a just a massive spotty husk of adolescent whinging. But it's not the major things that are crushing you. It's the seemingly life or death pursuit of the opposite sex. Guess what, they don't like you. Your jokes are shite. And pretending to like terrible music of your period in order to appear somewhat trendy is something you'll only regret in the future. I used to wear a bandana, I know. That's not a real beard you're growing either. However, it's at this age we learn that alcohol is a conduit to social skills. That time drinking 2ltrs of Diamond White in the park is not all in vain. You realise how witty you become, and how much less you care. This is a good thing. And drinking will stand you in fine stead for...
YOUNG ADULTHOOD
You are now an Adult. You can vote, marry, die in pointless and oppressive wars, drive and get into lots of debt. At this point you're really idealistic. You may experiment with drugs, and wonder what all the media fuss is about, as they're not actually all that bad. You may take an interest in politics, you may go to university, you may be told you're not experienced for any jobs, you may still be hated by the opposite sex. At this point you'll be knocked back more than vodka at Barrymore's house and starting to become cynical. Young Adulthood is when we really start to learn what this place is all about. You know Whatever Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger? It doesn't. Instead the pissing all over everything you thought you believed or knew gives birth to a mortal fear of failure in which you'll never attempt to do anything ever again. And to make it worse, the people who were gits are the ones who are super successful. They'll make sure you know this when you bump into them at Superdrug or wherever as you're buying 48 proplus to get through a week of 16 hour shifts in the warehouse to pay off your loans which you've accrued in this exciting stage of your life. However, you find a soulmate and...
REAL ADULTHOOD
...start to slowly hate them as you realise you're stuck with them forever. Perhaps you've got children at this point who hate you as well. You no longer care about anything at this point, other than paying off the mountain of debt which is somehow multiplying. At this point, you're hoping that you've somehow picked up AIDS as an early release so you don't have to talk to anyone or go anywhere anymore. But you haven't got AIDS. And you're scared to go to South Africa and drink some AIDS blood in case you get shot there, even though that'd kill you anyway. But what if you don't die if you get shot? You've got South African medical bills to pay, and it wasn't cheap getting out there, so you're in even more debt. You're looking forward to retirement perhaps, when you would have half paid off your mortgage and can wile away the days sipping lemon tea and watching The Alan Titchmarsh show? Well tough. Retirement age is now 80.
Mind you though, the kids are going away now to University or work, and they're out of the way. Oh wait. No they aren't. They've got kids now. And they want money off you or babysitting as these grandchildren break the 2021 Bolton & District 5th Place Cluedo Championships trophy you've won. The only tme you've nearly won anything, and it's destroyed forever. But at least you've got your health!
OLD AGE
Wait, no you haven't. Oh well, why not take up your time writing racist letters to middle market tabloids in order to give yourself something to do. That woman across the road? Obviously a drug dealer. And she's stepping out with a darkie! Oh, wait. I've just soiled myself. Still, at least now you can push into queues in shops while complaining about the service as earlier age groups keep tight lipped not wanting to say anything in case they look a bit wrong. There are bonuses though. Walk in baths, Stannah Stairlifts, and delicious Wiltshire Farm Foods ready meals brought directly to your door! Then there's...
DEATH
Dignified and blessed relief, as you die choking on a small bone in a piece of haddock at the £3.50 OAP Fish, Chips and Pot of Tea special at Harry Ramsden's held on a Tuesday between 3-3:15. And you've soiled yourself. Again. Can't even die without failing again somehow, and you're forever known as the person who shat themselves when they died in the chippy.
So yeah, that's life and how we live it, and why we're all such utter bastards. But there are positives. There's American dramas, Schaudenfraude and that one occasion when all your jokes fired off perfectly and you were carried from the party on everyone's shoulders as the opposite sex cooed and your same sex shook your hand. And moments like that probably make it all worth it.
If only there were more of them eh?
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